I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
