Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
