I just threw up on my dentist
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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