There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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