My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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