Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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