That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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