is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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