Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish i was in the wii world.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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