I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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