Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
