Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
