And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize