I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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