I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
