I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
