Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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