okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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