i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Randomize
