I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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