This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
