I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
