Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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