Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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