We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
