I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
