life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Just puked most of my soul out..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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