Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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