all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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