I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Text me some of your sweat
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