Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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