Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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