umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
