I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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