I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
