I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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