She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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