So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
