he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
