Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize