listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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