i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
