Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
