I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
