How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
