Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
