mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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