I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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