dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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