i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
