Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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