Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
