a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
