just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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