One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
