I think I died a long time ago.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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