Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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