I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
