I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
