he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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