life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
